I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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