can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
