The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I believe in your delicious
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
