we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
