ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
