This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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