Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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