I'm eating all of the evidence.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
