just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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