Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
