A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Im part way to drunk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
