im having a threesome with these popsicles
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
