I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
