did you get engaged???
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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