dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize