it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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