just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
