We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
