we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
