My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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