$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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