hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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