i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
