He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
