Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
