I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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