It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
