My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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