OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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