I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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