My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
