hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
