I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
