the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
