If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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