My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Edward fifth and chaser hands
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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