I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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