she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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