dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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