did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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