It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
