this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
