I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
