I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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