dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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