Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
