so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
