I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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