i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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