I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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