The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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