i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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