in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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