there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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