Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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