my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
