You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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