who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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